Informal Personal Update Email

Hi, fellow nerds of Bakersfield! I had another week full of fun nerdy activities. Unfortunately, I didn't get much time to play video games, and work has been going okay. I can't shake the feeling that my immediate co-workers are a bit jealous of me. They often seem to ask indirect questions about me. For instance, on Friday, one of my co-workers next to me mentioned having a problem with bad breath when she eats, and another co-worker asked, "What do you do about it?" She replied, "I brush my teeth right after." I thought they were indirectly asking me, "Hey, Leo, how do you keep your teeth so white and your breath so fresh?" I suspect they hesitate to ask me directly because it might imply they find my teeth attractive, and that could be misunderstood as flirtation. It’s interesting to consider that many of the women I work with might be competing with me in ways I don’t even realize—like in cleanliness of breath or whiteness of teeth. This reminded me of a former co-worker named Gus at San Miniato Group Home, who also asked how I keep my teeth so white and how I afford dentist visits on minimum wage. I told both of them that I use Listerine Ultra Clean, rinsing for one minute in the morning and one minute at night, which helps me avoid bad breath and discolored teeth altogether. I even mentioned to Gus that Listerine Ultra Clean is marketed as providing a clean similar to a dentist's visit. Reflecting on these interactions, I wonder how many other hidden competitions I’ve unknowingly participated in. Did I rank first or second in this unspoken rivalry? I was fired from San Miniato Group Home, and I can't help but think it might have been due to these secret competitions. Perhaps my co-workers felt frustrated because they couldn’t measure up, leading to my dismissal. I now wonder if even some of the clients at the group home were secretly competing with me. It’s sad because I view myself as a good person, or at least I try to be, yet I'm often seen as the enemy everywhere I go. This feeling extends to the gym I attend, Planet Fitness on Airport Drive. No one comes to talk to me there, just like at the Planet Fitness on California; I feel ignored and excluded as people tend to converse with everyone but me. Going through days and years without anyone talking to you is challenging. Coupled with my lifelong sobriety, it can feel like being utterly alone. I'm fortunate to have found a woman who cared about me, as most "cool" people or those in the "in-crowd"—who I refer to as part-time alcoholics—would likely never acknowledge a "nerd" like me. They're usually too preoccupied with their relationships to even consider someone they might label as a "loser." As an incel trying to stay positive despite the challenges, I often feel like being lifelong sober sets me against society. It’s as if I’m either with the group or against it. Which do you think I am, unwillingly? I HATE PEOPLE!!! HATE THEM SO MUCH!!!