Personal Rant Letter

Hello, fellow creepy nerds of our town. We are a bit eccentric and often feel the need to stay in our apartment since our presence tends to creep people out. I went to the post office today and ran into a former co-worker; I really let him have it. Honestly, I’ve grown tired of people. As someone approaching 51 years old, I’ve become quite jaded and have developed a strong dislike for others. I call out their nonsense and lies, watching them squirm while I remain unaffected, which makes them uneasy. I used to feel nervous back in the day when I was sober, and everyone in my town made fun of me—the "boy who doesn’t know." They intimidated me, verbally attacked me, and treated me poorly for no apparent reason. But now I understand; I believe part of the reason was their unwanted sexual interest. It’s almost humorous how much I dislike people. My brother often tells me, "Nobody cares!" and he’s right; nobody does, and I’m starting to adopt that mantra myself. I’m finally growing up like a real man—a man who drinks, has casual relationships, and doesn’t care what others think! At 51, I feel like I am becoming a REAL MAN, and it’s about time. I hope there’s still an opportunity to indulge in my youth, even if it means going down some wild paths. Just kidding! As someone who feels "chosen," I often feel pressured to conform to certain behaviors—drinking, doing drugs, or engaging in promiscuous activities—but that’s just not who I am. I prefer to work out and play video games. Unfortunately, people can be quick to label others based on appearance. They see me as “complex” or “weird,” or they call me a “non-conformist,” simply because I’m a religious man who doesn’t follow those trends. Even the priests in Bakersfield struggle with addictions. One co-worker once told me I was “taking life too seriously,” while another said I “need balance.” I’m not entirely sure what he means by "balance," but perhaps one day I’ll find it and join society. Until then, I’ll continue to live my very, very imbalanced life. God, do I hate people! Until next time... Mahalo!

Personal Update and PC Upgrade

Hello, fellow nerds and weirdos! LOL! I had a great week because I upgraded my desktop PC from a Ryzen 5 to a Ryzen 7 and got a high-end graphics card, the XFX 7900XT. I can't wait to have Computer Depot install the video card! As fellow nerds, we get excited about stuff like that! I've also been watching a lot of videos about the lives of attractive men, and I'm starting to think I might be one of them. That’s why my life feels so complicated. I often feel like I'm viewed as the bad guy everywhere I go, simply because, in movies and on Netflix, the antagonist is usually a handsome man. This stereotype, where the good-looking guy is portrayed as the one who uses and cheats on women, really affects me. My mother, a former beauty queen who likely had bad experiences with good-looking men, labeled me as an “evil child” when I was young. Despite being good-looking, I’m genuinely a decent person. This perception has unfortunately influenced my dating life and my chances of getting married. Women often assume that, because I’m attractive, I must be a player or have a roster of women to choose from. As a result, many men feel the need to compete with me. I tend to draw female attention just by walking into a room, which makes it hard for these guys to befriend me or invite me to parties, as they fear I’ll overshadow them with the women present. I believe this phenomenon is indicative of a "Chosen one's" experience—being born good-looking as a man. Women often get a free pass for their attractiveness, while good-looking men are expected to offer much more than just looks. In the dating world, if a woman discovers that all a handsome man has to offer is his appearance, it can be a major turn-off, more so than if he were involved in a gang. Because of this, women tended to stay away from me when i was young and less accomplished. Additionally, the assumption that I could easily cheat creates a power dynamic where many women feel intimidated. Even if they wanted to date me, they know that the balance isn’t the same as it is with other men, often referred to as "simps." Being with me would require them to step up their game, as I have as many options in love as they do. Most handsome men won’t tolerate any nonsense from women, knowing they could easily find someone new. This is likely why my one and only girlfriend left me after eight years for no apparent reason. She couldn’t handle the fact that I was just as attractive as she was and that I could easily attract other women, just as she could attract other men. She had been so accustomed to dating simps and beta males, who had fewer options, that the pressure of being with someone like me became too much for her. These experiences explain why many good-looking men end up alone or, if they aren't religious, might turn to same-sex relationships. I am quite religious, so I would rather remain single and go to heaven than compromise and face the consequences. Anyway, until next time… I HATE people! MAHALO!

Personal Journal Entry: Mother's Brain Tumor Diagnosis

What’s up, everyone? I have some shocking news to share. This week, my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor. This news stirred up mixed emotions in me, and I felt a tight knot in my chest. I didn’t cry or feel sad. That’s one advantage of being the family scapegoat; when a parent dies, you often don’t feel much—sometimes it feels liberating to be free from the pain they inflicted. When my dad passed away a few years ago, I felt energized, as if a 100-pound weight had been lifted off my back. Now, with my mother facing a serious illness, I feel a strange sense of power in the idea of not being there for her during her final days or at her funeral. To me, she was never really a mother; I hardly know her. I often think that God raised me, and with the help of my ex-girlfriend—who was highly successful—I learned to raise myself, so to speak. Though I’m sure God played a bigger role than either of us. Sometimes I wonder where my ex-girlfriend is now. When we broke up, she was starting to use drugs again, and I worry about her. I hope she’s okay! They say that if you have a deep connection with someone through a sexual relationship, that bond never fully disappears. I can sense that she might still be alive and well here in Bakersfield. At my previous job, I had a co-worker who was friends with John Trinh, my ex-friend. I drifted away from him because, as someone who has faced narcissistic abuse, I tend to attract narcissists in adulthood, and John is a prime example. He used my energy for his own benefit, much like my family did. Now that I’ve distanced myself from both my immediate family and John Trinh, they seem to be struggling. I don’t think my family or John realize that my positive energy was what brought them prosperity. My positivity helped them attract good things into their lives, and now that I’m gone, they’re experiencing hard times. I sensed that my co-worker wanted me to reconnect with John Trinh—possibly acting as an agent for him to lure me back so he can drain my energy again. I never asked my co-worker for John’s number again, just like I never want to see my narcissistic family or John Trinh. Since disconnecting from both, I’ve been the only one receiving the blessings that come from my faith. I currently make $80,000 a year and expect to save even more by the end of the year, which I’ll invest wisely. As for my dying mother, I’ve resolved never to be there for her. She’ll leave this world without ever knowing how her good son turned out—which feels like the ultimate betrayal. I hope it hurts her, but she can face whatever comes next. Probably Hell! I guess I just really dislike people! Mahalo!

Correctional Officer Interaction Log

Hi y'all! Fellow nerds of the world. I had an okay week this week. I thought I was getting along with everyone at my job, but deep down, I knew that the correctional officers would start to get irked by my presence. The mere fact that I look the way I do at 51 can seriously tick off a bunch of evil narcissistic COs who just want to gang up on me, beat me up, and throw me in prison. One CO kept trying to get under my skin, testing whether I was paying attention, as if I should be five moves ahead of him. "I just pay attention to what's right in front of me, okay?" I responded. That seemed to infuriate him even more. I really hope I don’t have any more verbal tussles with him. I plan to keep my socializing, especially with him, to a minimum. That’s what happens when you stay lifelong sober in the United States of Alcohol! Sober people are often pushed to the periphery, ignored, and made to feel like societal anomalies. Lifelong sober individuals are treated as the weirdos of society. We are perceived as "serial killers waiting to happen" or people striving for perfection, which leads to resentment. I want to stress that while people, especially men, may not outwardly express their hatred for you and your 20,000-plus days of sobriety, you will receive evil looks, and most men who are alcoholics will likely ignore your presence or avoid talking to you. I also have this issue with a female medical assistant who seems intent on putting me down or sabotaging my work at the prison. She operates on the down-low, trying to make me look bad so that I get fired. This is the plight of lifelong sober people, aka "Chosen Ones"; we truly are not liked by anyone, including our families. The last time I talked to my family was on December 1st, when my mother called me to play phone games. She asked me to call her back, thinking I have no money, and I never called her back immediately. I’m a grown man; if you can't leave a message about why you called, I won’t feel the need to return your call. I don’t need you, mother of mine, anymore. God raised me, not you. I reflect on my family and how they were brainwashed into thinking I was a failure, leading to my excommunication because I chose not to drink. My brother and dad tried to convince me that I was homosexual, even though I wasn’t, and they kicked me out of the house, forcing me into a small, terrible apartment. I reached a point of desperation and slashed my wrist, waiting to die because I felt I had no family anymore. While I was sitting there, I called 911, and an ambulance came to get me. I was stitched up, but I don't think there is anyone as sober as me in Kern County or even America. This, in turn, explains why I get treated so poorly, which only fuels my hatred for people more. I never want to be around anyone! As Mr. Smith said in The Matrix, we are just a virus, draining resources and multiplying. Until next time, "Serial Killer Waiting to Happen" out. I hate people!