Personal Account of Social Alienation

Hello, everyone! How are you all doing? I had a good week overall, but I’ve noticed that people still seem to avoid me. It feels like wherever I go, there’s this intense animosity directed toward me. For instance, at Starbucks, there was a woman who dresses in a collared shirt and jeans, yet she acts straight. She was talking to an older guy, who looks like a grandpa, instead of me, even though we’re both the same age. It seemed like she was making a point of choosing him over me, as if we were in some kind of competition. I couldn’t help but think of Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones, ready to fight me for his Khaleesi. While they were chatting, I played a video on my laptop that said, “Dadbod wins the dating game every time,” because let’s be honest—dadbod does have a winning streak. I really don’t get why she seemed intent on making that point about the older looking guy. After that, she even got on her phone to talk with a potential employer, making it seem like she was bragging about having work while I didn’t. I could tell she was probably lying, so I whispered under my breath, “Full of shit.” Maybe it intimidated her because as she left, she accidentally knocked into my stuff and said, “Sorry,” but it felt insincere. I didn’t respond at all. This situation reminds me of another incident where a woman hit on a guy in a walker right in front of me, almost like she was implying that the elderly man was a better choice than me, a young, athletic guy who’s also intelligent. If a woman is that misguided, why would I want to be with someone like her anyway? People seem to forget that in movies, Patrick Dempsey often wins the romantic plot, but in reality, it’s Homer Simpson who comes out on top. The winners in this world often seem to be mediocre men rather than someone like me, and it feels like it has been this way for a long time. Some people just don’t realize this or lack the life experience to see it clearly. I think something I said might have made its way back to others since I voiced my frustration. Lately, I’ve been playing a lot of video games because that’s seen as the only acceptable outlet for men like me, who have high testosterone. I recently beat Elden Ring and recorded it for posterity. I also finished my Lakers season but got eliminated in the first round. It’s okay; I was eager to play online anyway. I’ve been contemplating whether I might be autistic. I’ve been told that I could be undiagnosed and unaware of it. It’s possible I have high-functioning autism, which might explain why people often treat me poorly. The more I reflect on my experiences, the more my flaws seem to surface and hinder my ability to connect with others.