Personal Journal Entry: Mother's Brain Tumor Diagnosis

What’s up, everyone? I have some shocking news to share. This week, my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor. This news stirred up mixed emotions in me, and I felt a tight knot in my chest. I didn’t cry or feel sad. That’s one advantage of being the family scapegoat; when a parent dies, you often don’t feel much—sometimes it feels liberating to be free from the pain they inflicted. When my dad passed away a few years ago, I felt energized, as if a 100-pound weight had been lifted off my back. Now, with my mother facing a serious illness, I feel a strange sense of power in the idea of not being there for her during her final days or at her funeral. To me, she was never really a mother; I hardly know her. I often think that God raised me, and with the help of my ex-girlfriend—who was highly successful—I learned to raise myself, so to speak. Though I’m sure God played a bigger role than either of us. Sometimes I wonder where my ex-girlfriend is now. When we broke up, she was starting to use drugs again, and I worry about her. I hope she’s okay! They say that if you have a deep connection with someone through a sexual relationship, that bond never fully disappears. I can sense that she might still be alive and well here in Bakersfield. At my previous job, I had a co-worker who was friends with John Trinh, my ex-friend. I drifted away from him because, as someone who has faced narcissistic abuse, I tend to attract narcissists in adulthood, and John is a prime example. He used my energy for his own benefit, much like my family did. Now that I’ve distanced myself from both my immediate family and John Trinh, they seem to be struggling. I don’t think my family or John realize that my positive energy was what brought them prosperity. My positivity helped them attract good things into their lives, and now that I’m gone, they’re experiencing hard times. I sensed that my co-worker wanted me to reconnect with John Trinh—possibly acting as an agent for him to lure me back so he can drain my energy again. I never asked my co-worker for John’s number again, just like I never want to see my narcissistic family or John Trinh. Since disconnecting from both, I’ve been the only one receiving the blessings that come from my faith. I currently make $80,000 a year and expect to save even more by the end of the year, which I’ll invest wisely. As for my dying mother, I’ve resolved never to be there for her. She’ll leave this world without ever knowing how her good son turned out—which feels like the ultimate betrayal. I hope it hurts her, but she can face whatever comes next. Probably Hell! I guess I just really dislike people! Mahalo!