Well, here I am again, another post from the biggest nerd in Bakersfield! Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how difficult my life has been because I chose God over substances. My family has turned against me, and I even had a near miss with a BMW. Yet, I remain sober simply because I’m stubborn. I often wish I could fit in, but deep down, I know that I never will; I’ll have to go through life on my own. Wherever I go, it feels like nobody wants to talk to me or even get near me—the lifelong sober man of the town. I try to smile as best as I can, but sometimes the isolation really gets to me, and I feel low. It’s like society is against me for being a lifelong sobriety advocate. That’s the reality when you choose God over alcohol, weed, or any drugs; you don’t quite fit into society, and you become part of the “Chosen One.” I can’t help but think about all the hurtful things my dad has done, along with the painful experiences with my family. None of them ever apologizes or acknowledges my feelings; they just seem to want to compete with me in everything. My mother, a wealthy and powerful woman, feels the need to vie with her own son, who’s just trying to make a living at a minimum-wage job. I originally wanted to be athletic to make my parents proud, but instead, it just seems to fuel their resentment toward me. I often wonder why I continue to work out, especially when nobody acknowledges my hard work. It feels like I’m fighting against an entire town that has all the support and advice available, while I have none. Each day, I hope for more acceptance in today’s society for lifelong sober individuals, but it’s simply not there. I glance at my right wrist and am reminded that I will never truly fit in. I know that no one will ever say, "Good job, Leo! Good job for staying sober for 51 years! You look great for doing it too!" Instead, I fear that I’ll eventually be fired from a job or kicked out of the gym just for being sober. It’s a harsh reality, but in my mind, that's the price you pay for following God. You either fit into society and abandon your faith, or you stick with God and find yourself ostracized by society. If that’s what it takes to get to heaven, then so be it; I'll endure it. Honestly, no one cares about me. Not my family, not even my ex-girlfriend, who couldn’t stand having a sober boyfriend. When you’re a lifelong sober person, it often feels like it’s just you and God—nothing more. I hate my life sometimes! I’m considering looking for a job later, but I’m not too enthusiastic about it because I know that once they learn about my choices, they’ll start to judge me, leading to verbal abuse and ultimately being fired. I might look for a job on Wednesday; for now, at least I have food stamps and unemployment benefits. Anyways… MAHALLO!

Here we go again—yet another post from the Uber nerd of Bakersfield, LOL! I had a good week this time. I've been gaming a lot at Starbucks, playing Warhammer III and Baldur's Gate II. Good times! I’m trying to forget my experience at Sevita-California Mentor and avoid socializing with people for now. I've come to realize that most people don’t see the world as I do. It’s not that I’m autistic, but I actively do many things to keep myself happy, which gives me a positive outlook on life. Because of this, many people think I’m weird and tend to stay away from me at Starbucks without talking to me. As a "Chosen One," I’ve learned to accept being isolated and not acknowledged by others. This is something many YouTubers who refer to themselves as the Chosen Ones mention. I’m hesitant to apply for another job because I know that once people get to know me, the drama will start. They’ll isolate me and treat me poorly until they eventually fire me after six or eight months. I often experience verbal assaults at work for no reason, which reflects the state of our times. It’s sad that even in the health field, people are burdened by their own issues and take it out on someone like me, just trying to earn a living. It feels like I’m a magnet for drama, even when I’m not causing any. I still plan to look for a job in April, and in the meantime, I’ll continue playing video games at Starbucks. I often get stares from people there as well, but that happens wherever I go. It’s like I’m some movie star sometimes. It can be flattering, but some of the stares I receive from men make me uncomfortable, as if they’re sizing me up to backstab me, which can be scary. Even at Starbucks, I get some unsettling looks from men. I usually respond by looking back at them, wondering why they’re staring at me that way. This all ties back to my experiences at work. People today seem to have their inner demons, and someone like me doesn't, stands out in public or at work. A person without inner demons tends to attract either extreme positivity or extreme negativity—there’s no neutral ground. They either draw in good people or really troubling ones. Anyways... MAHALLO!

Hello, people out there in Internet land! I don’t know if my voice is being heard, but oh well, this blog is more for me than it is for you. I've had time to reflect on my experiences at Sevita California Mentor, and I think the people I worked with just didn’t like me—maybe because I consistently did the right thing. It's a bit like how Han Solo treated C-3PO; they seemed to take offense to me for no reason. They don’t even know why they’re offended by me; they just are. I had so many shouting matches with people there that every time I clocked in, I felt uncertain if my coworkers would just spontaneously start yelling at me as soon as I entered the facility! It can be very challenging when you are a thinker. Many things become easier when you think things through, but getting along with people can be exceedingly hard. I find it sad because I really like people and want to help others, yet it just seems like they are scared of me for no reason. It breaks my heart sometimes because people can be very harsh towards me. I have scars—testaments to how insecurities can lead someone to act badly. It feels like people are just looking for something to exploit in me. It's disheartening because the very same people I would be willing to help if they got into trouble are often the ones who treat me this way. I don't know, maybe I intimidate people without realizing it. Or perhaps they see me as more advanced than them and feel insecure, leading them to lash out. Words can be more painful than weapons. I make videos of myself to see if I look weird, and maybe that's why people treat me oddly. But I see nothing wrong with myself. People stare at me as if I were an alien or something. I feel so intimidated going outside because people just glare at me, and it’s scary not knowing who they are. Nowadays, people can be unpredictable, and there’s no telling what they are capable of. Every time I go to the gym, people stare at me or hold their gaze a second or two longer than they should, which creeps me out big time! It makes me feel like a weirdo and an outcast, even though my selfies and videos show there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s a good thing I don’t drink because this type of predicament would drive anyone to drink, especially since I'm so isolated and drinking is the norm in this town. I’m glad I never got into that; it would have been the death knell! Anyways, here’s to another week of sorrow!

Here I am again! I'm trying to live a normal life, even though I know I don’t have one—LOL! During my visit to the gym today, someone commented on my shirt, which read, "Sobriety from 100 proof to 100% living proof." I took the chance to explain that the message reflects my experience as a lifelong sober individual. I talked about the ongoing challenges of being sober, including facing hatred, vitriol, and people thinking I'm crazy. He mentioned that he was 12 years sober and shared his own struggles. I told him I've been trying since birth, and that raising myself was tough; my functioning alcoholic dad and my functioning alcoholic male siblings didn’t like me, leaving me feeling isolated. He looked shocked. I told him that for most alcoholics, lifelong sobriety isn't what they think it is, mainly because many have never attempted to stay sober for their entire lives. After our conversation, I finished my workout. Many people at the gym know I've never drunk alcohol, and their reactions vary from amazement to indifference. Since I’m in Bakersfield, where many men drink, there might be some respect for my sobriety, but who knows for sure? After the gym, I went to Starbucks and played Baldur's Gate II: Shadows of Amn. I'm almost at the end—I'm in the final area called Suldanessellar. I cheated once in this game, and I feel guilty about it. I don’t like cheating because it feels like I lose gamer cred, but it was just that one time. I wonder what the final battle with Irenicus will be like; it’s probably really hard. The last fight with Sarevok was tough, although the ending video after beating Baldur's Gate was somewhat underwhelming, but I suppose you can’t expect much from an old game. It’s not like modern games with their special effects and great graphics. I keep thinking about when I saw my mom at Walmart. She never said hi to me; it feels like she hates me. The price you pay for being lifelong sober is that your family can end up resenting you. I feel alone now, and I’m uncertain whether my mother will leave me an inheritance. I’m about 80 percent sure she won’t. Still, I live as if she might cut off my inheritance someday, and that scares me. Every time I go to Walmart, I look for places where I can retreat and remain sober, thinking about when I can no longer work. It’s sad how lifelong sober individuals are treated in this world, and I wonder if there are others like me out there. I just hope I will be okay. I probably will never have kids, a family, a house, or friends because of my devotion to God... but I continue to pray. Till next time, Mahalo!

Another week, another blog post. During my time off, I have reflected a lot. I keep wondering if I will be homeless in my old age...I don’t know; it worries me. I have been abandoned by my family; they want nothing to do with me. I have difficulty maintaining long-term employment. I feel like I am hanging on by a thread! It is scary! I have no support from anyone, and nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to talk to me...EVER! Like I am some weirdo psycho with a horn coming out of my head or something. Like I have said in previous posts, I have been going to this Starbucks for almost 7 to 8 years, and nobody likes to talk to me. When I go there, it's like I am invisible. Maybe this is how it feels when you are ostracized from society? Maybe this is how it feels when you are homeless? Except I have a home where you are invisible, and you suffer alone? It is painful, and it just seems like nobody cares at all? I guess as you grow up, you realize how cold and heartless the world really is. Experience shows that people are usually self-interested, and you often face battles alone. My family hates me for no reason. My mother thinks I worship the devil all because I look better than her. I mean, what do you expect, mother of mine?? Not only am I younger than you, but I keep track of my health by going to a gym, unlike you. So of course, I will look better than you! My brother blames me for his substance abuse problem, and I don't see how I am responsible for that. And my mother agrees with him! My family is so dysfunctional that I need to leave and cut ties. I cannot take all the guilt-tripping and gaslighting they do to me! Now that I'm alone, I need to make money to survive, which is exhausting as I try to pay bills on time every month. I know for a fact if I were to be delinquent with one of these bills, it could start a cascade and BOOM! Evicted and out on the street with no support, living in my car. Why must I live like this? I feel like I am a good person, but it just seems like everybody is against me, and the world doesn't want me to survive! Add the fact that I have no family support, and it can get stressful! Also, when I tell people my situation, they don't even believe me at all! I am alone in my problems, alone in my fight, alone in my battles. I can see why a lot of men, when they get older, become alcoholics. It's a good thing I never developed a taste for it when I was younger; it's a good thing I listened to the voice of God not to drink ever because as it stands now, I would be a loner wino on the streets counting the days till I am dead... Anyways...here's to another day...surviving! Mahalo! I still need to find a way to buy a new car. I don't know how I am going to do that on minimum wage!