Here I am again! I'm trying to live a normal life, even though I know I don’t have one—LOL! During my visit to the gym today, someone commented on my shirt, which read, "Sobriety from 100 proof to 100% living proof." I took the chance to explain that the message reflects my experience as a lifelong sober individual. I talked about the ongoing challenges of being sober, including facing hatred, vitriol, and people thinking I'm crazy. He mentioned that he was 12 years sober and shared his own struggles. I told him I've been trying since birth, and that raising myself was tough; my functioning alcoholic dad and my functioning alcoholic male siblings didn’t like me, leaving me feeling isolated. He looked shocked. I told him that for most alcoholics, lifelong sobriety isn't what they think it is, mainly because many have never attempted to stay sober for their entire lives. After our conversation, I finished my workout. Many people at the gym know I've never drunk alcohol, and their reactions vary from amazement to indifference. Since I’m in Bakersfield, where many men drink, there might be some respect for my sobriety, but who knows for sure? After the gym, I went to Starbucks and played Baldur's Gate II: Shadows of Amn. I'm almost at the end—I'm in the final area called Suldanessellar. I cheated once in this game, and I feel guilty about it. I don’t like cheating because it feels like I lose gamer cred, but it was just that one time. I wonder what the final battle with Irenicus will be like; it’s probably really hard. The last fight with Sarevok was tough, although the ending video after beating Baldur's Gate was somewhat underwhelming, but I suppose you can’t expect much from an old game. It’s not like modern games with their special effects and great graphics. I keep thinking about when I saw my mom at Walmart. She never said hi to me; it feels like she hates me. The price you pay for being lifelong sober is that your family can end up resenting you. I feel alone now, and I’m uncertain whether my mother will leave me an inheritance. I’m about 80 percent sure she won’t. Still, I live as if she might cut off my inheritance someday, and that scares me. Every time I go to Walmart, I look for places where I can retreat and remain sober, thinking about when I can no longer work. It’s sad how lifelong sober individuals are treated in this world, and I wonder if there are others like me out there. I just hope I will be okay. I probably will never have kids, a family, a house, or friends because of my devotion to God... but I continue to pray. Till next time, Mahalo!

Another week, another blog post. During my time off, I have reflected a lot. I keep wondering if I will be homeless in my old age...I don’t know; it worries me. I have been abandoned by my family; they want nothing to do with me. I have difficulty maintaining long-term employment. I feel like I am hanging on by a thread! It is scary! I have no support from anyone, and nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to talk to me...EVER! Like I am some weirdo psycho with a horn coming out of my head or something. Like I have said in previous posts, I have been going to this Starbucks for almost 7 to 8 years, and nobody likes to talk to me. When I go there, it's like I am invisible. Maybe this is how it feels when you are ostracized from society? Maybe this is how it feels when you are homeless? Except I have a home where you are invisible, and you suffer alone? It is painful, and it just seems like nobody cares at all? I guess as you grow up, you realize how cold and heartless the world really is. Experience shows that people are usually self-interested, and you often face battles alone. My family hates me for no reason. My mother thinks I worship the devil all because I look better than her. I mean, what do you expect, mother of mine?? Not only am I younger than you, but I keep track of my health by going to a gym, unlike you. So of course, I will look better than you! My brother blames me for his substance abuse problem, and I don't see how I am responsible for that. And my mother agrees with him! My family is so dysfunctional that I need to leave and cut ties. I cannot take all the guilt-tripping and gaslighting they do to me! Now that I'm alone, I need to make money to survive, which is exhausting as I try to pay bills on time every month. I know for a fact if I were to be delinquent with one of these bills, it could start a cascade and BOOM! Evicted and out on the street with no support, living in my car. Why must I live like this? I feel like I am a good person, but it just seems like everybody is against me, and the world doesn't want me to survive! Add the fact that I have no family support, and it can get stressful! Also, when I tell people my situation, they don't even believe me at all! I am alone in my problems, alone in my fight, alone in my battles. I can see why a lot of men, when they get older, become alcoholics. It's a good thing I never developed a taste for it when I was younger; it's a good thing I listened to the voice of God not to drink ever because as it stands now, I would be a loner wino on the streets counting the days till I am dead... Anyways...here's to another day...surviving! Mahalo! I still need to find a way to buy a new car. I don't know how I am going to do that on minimum wage!