Diary Entry: "Chosen One" Struggles

Hello, fellow nerds! I’m feeling a bit down today. I don’t know… this “Chosen One” thing feels like a heavy burden, especially since everyone I meet either seems to dislike me or wants to compete with me. Fighting unseen battles with those around me is starting to wear me out. On the bright side, I can escape into a game world where I feel more liked and accepted. It’s a refuge from a reality where people seem hostile for no reason. I really need to stop expecting others to be like me and realize that most people aren’t worth getting to know. I should remind myself that I am usually the best person in the room, which is why many people attack me psychologically or give me a hard time. It seems that, especially in the workplace, many people struggle to accept that a single man who has never been married can be a better person than they are. This is part of the resentment I face from married individuals. Marrying for reasons other than love rarely leads to personal growth.  I was with my ex-girlfriend because she had a certain glow at Sears, and I felt compelled to be with her. I don’t know why she radiated such positivity while working there, but I heard a voice say, maybe God, I don’t know, “She is the one for you, Leo.” So even though I’ve only had one girlfriend for eight years, I still am a better person than many married individuals. What does modern marriage even mean nowadays in the 21st century? It often seems like a facade, where people try to project a perfect image, but underneath, they’re just pretending. Being authentic and loving your partner leads to personal growth and happiness.  Though my girlfriend left, I remain someone who understands true love better than most, and I am a better person because of it.  Married people at my job don’t seem to grasp that real love, not superficial or societal expectations, is the foundation of a relationship. They wonder how I, as a single man without a wife or children, can be happy. But when you connect with the person you were meant to be with, it strengthens you—mentally, physically, and emotionally—regardless of the ups and downs. Or whether she is, or you are a woman. He leaves you. You can set someone free if you truly love them, even if it means losing them. As a single man without a wife, kids, or a house, I find myself significantly happier than 99% of those who are supposedly happily married. Many of them entered marriage out of social obligation or to have children, not waiting for the right person that God intended for them. True love and a meaningful relationship shouldn't be merely life objectives.   Anyway, till next time! Mamba out!

Workplace Isolation Experiences

Hello everyone! Here’s another nerdy post from the self-proclaimed “Uber Nerd of Bakersfield.” As usual, it feels like most of my coworkers want to isolate me, as if they don’t want to be around me. At my job at Kern Valley State Prison, I sit alone in a room with no one to talk to. I have a feeling this is on purpose, since my coworkers appear to either not trust me or just don't like me—some of their comments hint at that. At my other job at the group home, my coworkers also ignore me or act as if I don’t exist, likely for the same reasons. I sometimes feel that I’m perceived as “too good to be true.” As someone who is a “chosen one,” people might assume I’m just putting on a front of being virtuous because everyone they know is pretending to be something they aren’t. Since my demeanor comes off as more genuine, it seems to lead them to believe that I might be hiding something sinister—like being a serial killer. This is disheartening because I truly am a good person. I’m not trying to put on an act by being overly virtuous. Growing up, we were taught that being good would bring its own rewards, but I’ve found that that isn’t the case. It appears that being evil leads to greater popularity. Throughout my work experience, I project a heterosexual saintlike vibe, yet no women ever seem to engage with me. When a woman does talk to me, it often feels like she views me as an enemy and then never speaks to me again. In contrast, a gay man is easily befriended and welcomed at work, which makes me question their true nature. I believe that engaging in gay relationships leads one down the wrong path, yet men who are devoutly religious are often dismissed or ignored by women. It’s as if society favors those who indulge in wrongdoings over those who strive to do right. My experience as a muscular straight man is filled with intense isolation at my jobs; it feels like everyone resents my strong faith. It becomes increasingly difficult to navigate through the day, as we are inherently social creatures. When the only interaction I receive at work is “GET BACK TO WORK, LEO, OK!!?”, it makes the day feel long and arduous. I find myself talking to myself sometimes, even at the gym, only to be met with stares that label me as a psycho. It’s frustrating to think that after years of isolation, I can’t even vocalize my thoughts without being deemed crazy. Every time I speak to myself at the gym, everyone seems to watch me like I’m some kind of villain. It feels as if I’m forced to remain quiet all day and night, year after year… and I can’t help but feel an overwhelming dislike for people. I hate them so much! Path of the Chosen Until next time… MAHALO!

Gym Socialization Reflection

Hi everyone! This is the biggest nerd in Bakersfield reaching out. I’ve been reflecting on my experiences at the gym and how it feels like nobody talks to me there. I’ve been going to Planet Fitness for almost eight years, yet it seems like every time I go, I don’t seem to exist—as if I could drop dead right there and no one would notice. I know for a fact that I’m the only person who has been consistently attending that gym for 8 to 9 years without getting to know anyone, not even their pet dog. Part of the reason for going to a gym, or even for existing on earth for that matter, is social interaction, right? But wherever I go, it feels like I don’t matter. Even at work, it seems like everyone intentionally ignores me. When I have a suggestion, they act like they don’t care, even though I know I’m right. For example, I tried to tell my coworker Gus at the group home where I work that he should document the exact time he administers medication rather than using a fabricated time to make it look like he’s following protocol. If he can pass meds an hour early, then he should record that time instead of claiming he passed them on time. He pretended not to hear me and didn’t seem to care. I have almost 20 years of experience as a caregiver and nearly 8 years as a certified medical assistant, yet it feels like my input is disregarded. A total stranger who is probably an ex-con with far less experience will suggest something, and they follow it to the letter, high-fiving him to boot! At the gym, I work out harder than anyone else, and the only feedback I get is strangers yelling at me to “stop working so hard.” I also feel constantly gaslit and labeled as a psycho. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m somehow on an imaginary short list of people that everyone at Planet Fitness wants kicked out. I can see the looks of disdain and anger and possibly jealousy directed at me, while everyone else seems to know each other. I think it might stem from a comment I made on the treadmill talking to myself once. No one talks to me right? So I might as well talk to myself. I made a comment about how a lot of these male gym goers look so freakingjacked from the neck down but look like an 80-year-old grandpa from the neck up, with gray, balding hair and wrinkles, and I said I’ve been hitting the gym as long as they have, yet I look like a 20-year-old from the neck up, with a full head of hair and no wrinkles. So, I said out loud, “Why?”  Because of that comment, I have this nagging suspicion that all the gym patrons, especially the men, want to isolate me until I break down, and then when I lash out in isolation, I’d be kicked out for being the “psycho.” It’s disheartening because I’ve seen ex-cons walk into that same gym, someone who may have been in prison for serious crimes—who’s welcomed with open arms and treated as a friend. As a “Chosen One,” I will always hate people! Till Next Time! MAHALO!